Hi…. (Hmm. Sorry. I don’t really know how to call you.)
How are you? Where are you now? I hope you’re doing fine.
I know that our family has a really tragic story. Story of endless, unanswered questions.. And of abandonment.
Don’t get me wrong. I have forgiven you already.
I just want to write a letter for you because there are some things I learned today that surprisingly are connected to you.
And it has been years since I last talked to you.
Shall we start?
You know, I have been reading a book. The title is Captivating – Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul. I love it so much. It’s like, it was really making me go back and check my past. So, there.
Growing up, I had a lot of issues. Issues that I really don’t mind. I thought it’s just part of life anyway. However, I just clearly digested this year that the reason of who I am today is because of my past and of course, my choices. Maybe I just realized it just now because there are memories and past that I would never want to go back to.
And that includes you. It was quite a surprise to me that you are involved in who I am today because you weren’t even there while I was growing up.
Hey, please stay.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not here to condemn you. I am here to just tell you that God is just so gracious for He wants me know the messages of my past that will make me unlearn some bad mindsets and to just clearly focus on the messages I learned about you and my past.
We know that you abandoned me and my Mama months after you knew that she was pregnant with me.
But you made her your bride, right? Your beautiful bride. You promised for better or for worse..
May I ask what happened?
You never even told us.. Not even one of us.
You were like the coin in the magician’s hand.. Quickly disappeared into thin air without us not knowing where to look for you.
You abandoned not just my Mama, but me as well.. Your one and only daughter.
Growing up, I always wanna be seen.
As a little girl,I wanna know that I am delighted at, I wanna know I am loved, cherished, and that I am captivating.
Funny because what I am usually doing when I was a little kid is I look for a table or a high chair, sit or stand right there while singing or dancing. The joy in my audience’s eyes are my joy. I am loved. I am delighted at. I had a role that makes them laugh and smile. I am part of their lives.
As much as I enjoyed the happy eyes of those watching, I was looking for a particular face, that particular eyes.. Yours.
Then it hit me that I don’t have a Father. I never had a Father.
It was a sad night, you know. I saw my grandparents, Titas, Titos, Mama. All their smiles were wide that night.. But, still I am looking for yours.
And then I thought to myself, why is he gone? Why are we not sure if he is dead or alive?
But, deep in my heart, I know you are alive. I know. I just know.
And then, that glorious day happened when we knew you were alive.. Alive with 5 children and a new wife.
I realized then that I still love you. And I have forgiven you and will forgive you whatever will happen.
But then, questions sprouted everywhere again not just from my Mama who was left behind but for me as well, as your supposed-to-be only daughter.
Why did you leave us?
Were we not enough?
Am I a burden to you?
Am I not worthy to be loved?
Were you not happy when you knew that I can go out to the world after some months?
Did you love me?
You know, as much as I had a happy childhood, I also had my fair share of bad memories. Bad memories that I honestly don’t want to remember anymore. Maybe the reason why I am so forgetful was because I just want to delete a lot of memories during those years.
I sometimes thought to myself that maybe, just maybe if you were there during those times, I was not sexually harassed with people who just thought I was pretty, was not bullied, and belittled. I maybe had the courage to fight those demons saying I am not worthy and will never be because you, my Father, even left us.
Also, I grew up with inferiority complex.
I didn’t feel strong and beautiful all throughout those delicate years.
They said I was unattractive. I believed them. So I hide. I hid my true self. And oh, I also had a hard time explaining to them where were you.
I was bullied. And I let them. And the scars are just.. Oh, so deep. Sometimes it still hurts up to now.
College was also rough. Mother doesn’t have the enough bills to pay for all my books, projects, assignments, dorm, food, everything. It was really a hard time for us. But you know, you had a very strong wife. I never see her cry. I guess you made her strong. Thank you so much.
With all that you made me feel, I just felt like everyone who are or will be interested with me will just hurt me and it will just take them some time before they’ll leave.
..which happened a lot of times already.
Let me talk about the guys I’ve met.
I met my first love when I was in high school. But then again, he left. Chose another girl. He went back. Chose to hurt me again. Went back. Chose to go out again. I was so hurt. Wasn’t able to focus on my studies because, the feeling of love is something I am craving for.
College came and then I saw another guy. He seemed to be nice. I left my first love for him because I thought I will be happier. No more tears I said. But then, hello heartaches and trust issues. I was so clingy, I wanted attention. And I guess that turned him off. So, hello ‘too much’ and ‘not enough’, which led me to look for someone else.
After years together, I saw another man, who I thought would love me for who I am. And because he knows Jesus Christ, he said, I let him enter my heart. But then, I was so wrong again. I know he loved me somehow, but I also know he just used me to free himself from his own pain as well.
Father, here is THE MESSAGE.
..the message of my past. The message of those hurts.
Never seen by a Father.
Never delighted at.
Abandoned because he just wants to.
Always felt not worthy to be chased and pursued.
Always felt that anyone who would want to enter into my life will just leave.
No one will stay.
I will always be that second choice.
Sometimes, I am actually thinking.. ‘What if I had a Father who is really emotionally present? How would I act on these complicated things?’
Honestly, I don’t want to go back to this moment where I am being reminded that you left us not because you have to, but because you want to.
But God wants me to go back to those wounds.
I know God wants me back to this certain past because He wants to Father me. God wants Him to be the Father I never had. And it was the best thing ever that my heart accepted.
God wants me to go back from my past not to harm me, or to make me feel defeated but because He wants me to realize that He was there. He never left while I was crying and felt defeated all the time. He was there when I was asking for provision and was praying for my Mama. He never left.
And now, He wants us to start again. God, me.
I may have never experienced your love but I am happy to let you know that I am knowing a Father who will never leave, who will always pursue me, love me, and will always be delighted in me.
And little by little, God is healing me, restoring me, and changing me to the woman that He wants me to be.
From your little girl who never thought that she will see the light again, thank you for bringing me to this world. For giving my Mama the strength she has right now and for leaving me, your only daughter who just wants love from her Papa.
I just want you to know before I end, that all these forgiveness is because I have known the author of my life, Jesus Christ.
I hope and pray that you will also get to know Him, the One who gave His life for me and for you, who promises an eternal life if you will just believe in Him and accept Him.
Your only daughter,