Go, you are now free

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go youre now free

To you,

Hello. It has been a very long time since I last saw you.

Do you still remember the last time we talked? That Tokyo-Tokyo lunch when I’ve barely eaten my food? Funny because if I haven’t held up every self-control in me at that moment, I guess I have already held your face while I memorize your nose, your pale eyes, your lips, your messy hair, because I know it might be the last.. And then, we prayed. I prayed. I prayed that even in my most vulnerable, painful moment with you, I still wished you well. Even when what I really wanna do is just hug you and tell you not to leave. Oh, I never want you to leave. You know I always have this habit of not giving up on people, especially you. Even if it hurts. Even if that means ruining my own comfort.

But still, you chose to leave. You chose to be with her. And even though I pretended to be so strong and didn’t look back, I closed my eyes and hoped you would turn your back, run to me, hold my hands and talk things over again. But you did not. Ever since.

Having too much love, I realized that while I was reminding you, reaching you, holding you, grasping you, I find myself bleeding.

And I couldn’t stop it.

You went away because I was just too much, you drowned. Love is just too much and you are not ready for it. Maybe you weren’t ready for it even at the very beginning. But still, I have embraced you. Because when I decided to love you, it didn’t mean only your accomplishments, your good, positive sides, your smiles, your laughter, the strong man in you, but I decided to embrace you fully. Even your scars, your battles, your monsters, and your deepest pains and broken self. And how I wished I can take those broken pieces with me to make it whole again. But I can’t. No one will ever make you whole.

I always, always, believed in you. I believed that you have this ability to inspire people, to nurture people with your love and kindness. That despite everything that you are dealing with, I always see your potential, that lion in you that you just have to set free. I will always remember you as the fighter who never gives up.

How’s your family back there? If there’s one thing you have given me that I am truly thankful of, it is your family. I love your Mama, your siblings, in-law, and our Caster.. Thank you for introducing me to your cousins and Titas. If I would go back to us and look back, it is with smiles because of them. Thank you.

I miss you.

I miss how you baby-talk me whenever I make fun of you. I miss how your embrace made me feel like you never want to let me go. And every time you fetch me in the office and we would just eat out and talk even the silliest of things and just walk hand-in-hand with smiles on our faces.

I still smile each time I remember my head on your chest. How strange that feels. How deep, how wide, how at peace I am with you. Yes, I still remember you. Every ounce of you. I still remember how I prayed one night that I would just love you no matter what your scars are, and why and where it came from.

Do you still remember when you said my embrace feels like home? I would always want to go back to that moment. It just feel real. So real that I wanna hear it again.

Hey you, I will really miss you.

I will miss the sound of your snore. Our coffee dates outside our house. The way you wipe my sweaty hands, whenever it gets too wet, on your pants.. That gentle touch on my left hand because of a small bump in it. Your heavy head on my shoulders because your just so tired from work. How you caress my hands while you are looking at me, saying you love me.. Our late night talks. The movies you’re asking me to watch with you. How your super hugs suffocate me. Our laughter. Pampanga. Your sweet kisses and hugs. Those days when you still want to choose us over and over again.

I will miss you.

Realizing what went through, I never felt angry with you leaving me. I was actually sad. Sad that the years of building a future with you are now gone in an instant. Sad that everything I believed in before just vanished into thin sheet of air. What happened to us?Did you see this coming?

It’s been months since the last time we saw each other. And honestly, I thought I have already forgotten about you. I thought I can quickly forget about you. But, how can I? If you have placed so much crazy emotions in my heart? Highest of highs, lowest of lows.

I am sorry.

I’m sorry for all the times I let you down; for pushing us, for pushing you so hard to love us when I know it will never work that way and leaving is what ypu always wanted.

Sorry if what I have will never be enough. But I hope you know that I have tried so hard. I always want to try harder for us — which I realized that that made me turn to someone I don’t know.

I know you also tried your best to catch your monsters. But I just hoped we fought together.

I honestly don’t want to think that you don’t love me anymore and that you aren’t thinking about me now. But I guess that’s just what’s happening. Even if after all the reminders, the questions, the what has happened moments of us, I know I should now be in closing terms with my heart. That you have forgotten about us already and that you are seeing someone new.

I guess I will only learn to live not beside you. But I will always remember you. The guy who made me believe in true love, who made me the most loyal girlfriend of all haha, and who made me experience to selflessly understand and care, even if it hurts.

Even if I have to do this every single day, I would choose to forgive you. I always want to forgive you for all the pains, the broken promises, the inconsistencies of your words and actions, I will always choose to forgive you. Not to say that the hurts didn’t matter, because it mattered. It is because I don’t want to be your captive here any longer.

Not also because I want to, but because Someone so high has forgiven me on the cross for all my sins.

Thank you for all the love you gave, for all the memories we made. Thank you.

I am now setting you free. I am now setting us free. Just what you did. Even if it’s hard. Even if I can’t. Because I know that this is what you are yearning for all our years. And I will always want you to be happy.

I will always rejoice with you in secret. You will always have that space in my heart.

Don’t worry about me, I will be fine.

Go, you are now free.

All the best,
Me

Here’s what happened that night: If I Were to be Honest Tonight

go youre now free

 

Previous articleIf I Were to be Honest Tonight
In love with coffee dates, mountains, and beaches. Currently in the season and process of unlearning, relearning, and learning together with God.
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